Often, we think we have no control over our feelings and that can cause us to feel powerless to them. What I have learned is feelings are connected to thoughts which are connected to beliefs we hold. For example, imagine a co-worker treats you in a disrespectful way because you didn’t do something you were required to do. In reaction to his outburst you say something you regret. You also have a string of feelings-outrage, embarrassment, worry. If you examine those feelings you will realize they are all centered around a thought. Maybe it is something like, “I can’t believe I didn’t do what was expected of me. How could I have missed that!” Continuing to dig deep within yourself you will notice that your thoughts are connected to a belief. This belief about yourself is rooted from your past and affects numerous aspects of your life. In this situation it might be something like, “I’m a failure or I’m not capable.”
This is exactly what happens to us when we are triggered by our children. They behave, we react with emotion. The emotion is organized around some thought/s and attached to a belief we have that is limiting and NOT serving us.
Discovering what triggers you, what you are thinking and ultimately what BELIEFS you have about yourself is a key component of the coaching I do with clients. It is a process that once completed can set you free and allow you to feel more in control of how you handle negative outbursts and challenging behaviors. Learning how to separate from your children’s pain and taking care of your own is how you gain this power. Then you are consciously able to choose how to support your kids in a way that is healthy for both of you.